~Canton City- I'm not done with you!~

I have another shot at potentially attaining a classroom for the 2009-2010 school year! At eight o'clock last evening I received a phone call from the principal of Allen Elementary in Canton asking me if I was still interested in interviewing for a Kindergarten position! "Of course", I said, "Absolutely"! So with a few mixed feelings on the matter, I enter into yet another interviewing process. The further that I get into this, with the increasing number of interviews, my outlook seems to be fairly more relaxed. What's the worse that could happen, I don't get the job?? I've faced that question and experienced those results before. So, while I did a fair amount of research on the school itself, I will maintain a far more relaxed frame of mind entering into this upcoming interview. If it's meant to be, it will occur. It's as simple as that. I don't have control over anything more than my preparedness and professional approach. I know that I am qualified to teach and that I it would give me profound joy to have my own little group of Kindergarteners to motivate and enjoy each day! I just have to showcase my abilities to those who are interviewing me and PRAY that my "inexperience", as they call it, does not become the deciding factor once again! Keep your fingers crossed and prayers said for me! Canton City- I'm coming after you yet again!

Loving the Fall . . . Hating its Runner-UP

This time of year creates a dynamic within most people that is so mixed it's crazy! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the fall season!!! I totally, completely love the colorful leaves that become prominent on our trees, the pumpkins and hay bales that begin to appear on porches and in front yards, and the thought of hot apple cider! For some reason Fall has such a soothing quality to it, at least for me. I was reminiscing the other day about taking my Kindergarteners on a field trip to the pumpkin patch during my student teaching experience! I wish I was with the new group this year to share in their delight! On the other hand though, with the Fall comes quite a bit of work, as well as changing attitudes due to the decreased length of day. The mornings stay darker longer and the nights get darker quicker. With all the outside clean up work that seems to pile up and the shorter days, the moods seem to noticably "fall" (excuse the pun haha). I can appreciate the Winter season and Christmas cheer, and I am very excited for family members and friends who have expanded their families! There really is something about a baby's First Christmas! It's just that the crisp, Fall weather doesn't seem to last long enough!! Outdoor football games, soccer games, hay rides, bonfires!!! I love the cool nights when you can get away with wearing a hoodie and flip flops! This is also a great time of year to go four-wheeling! I have so much fun going through the wooded trails when it's not so overwhelmingly HOT and STICKY!!

This time of year it is also a hard one though in the fact that it leaves us missing special friends and family members who once shared in these experiences with us. The loss of Mark has been a hard one for both Kevin and I to take. Camping and four-wheeling loses a bit of its splendor with his absence (and the subsequent absence of Kate and Lexie). This is not the first loss either of us has endured though, and with the continuation of life comes its deterioration as well. I guess this fact is one that also brings hope to humanity. The Fall season marks the beginning of deterioration. It provides the transition toward the Winter weather which then totally wipes out our beautiful, colorful flowers. The hope lies in the fact that we all know Spring will be here eventually to renew the color and to reverse the cycle afore mentioned.

I, for one, will attempt to maintain my optimism and hope. I will do my best to enjoy every little bit of the Fall weather, as well as the trailing Winter season. I know that it won't be long before I'm walking around my yard checking for buds in my flower beds! That excitement will have to hold me over through the harsh winter winds. I just hope that my family and friends will try to focus on the high points of each season, instead of allowing themselves to be depressed by the deterioration of life and lack of light.

~When One Becomes Weak in Mind, Body, and Spirit~

The last few days I have been doing quite a bit of thinking about the concept of mental illnesses, i.e. depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, and the like. There have been and are a few occurences of these disorders surrounding certain relationships within my life. My extended family (on both paternal and maternal sides) has been known to have a few members suffer from one or another of these mental illnesses, and I have seen friends suffer from them as well. The fact that mental illnesses are prevalent within my family structure is a scary one to be aware of. I think though that being aware is the best way of preventing oneself from being swept up in such an illness. Don't get me wrong, I am not stating that I believe one brings on or creates such an illness, I simply feel that one can determine his/her will-power in fighting it and keeping it from consuming himself/herself.

I will be the first to admit that there are times in life when you just don't feel like trying- you don't see any purpose driving your life. There are times when you just want to be in a bad mood. I have had moments when I knew I just did not want to put the effort into making myself feel better at that particular time. In times such as these though, I simply try to stay away from people. It's not fair for others to be brought down by my negative mood. I will also say that moments such as these usually cause me to think a great deal about myself and how I portray myself to others. While there are moments when this makes it worse because I feel totally down about myself, usually it causes me to realize that I am a happy person who takes pride in helping others. You can't help others if you can't help yourself. You can't create a warm, soothing, friendly environment for yourself or others if you allow the dark clouds to consume your mood. Maybe I am over-simplfying it a bit. Maybe it's not as black and white as I make it sound. Depression and anxiety are much like dementia- there is a HUGE grey area.

I'm not sure what I am attempting to rationalize or accomplish in sharing this post. I think that I am largely doing it for myself in order to cope with others' moods as of late. I can feel myself becoming entwined with those dark moods hovering above me. I used to be so much better at lifting others out of their "funks". I have noticed that my patience and understanding level has diminished quite a bit. This could be due to my own selfishness or one step further than that, an inherent attempt to gain more support rather than continually provide it. However the case may be, I hope to gain a greater understanding of these "illnesses" and to feel secure in myself so that perhaps I may provide a safe haven for myself and others once again.

~Stir- Crazy and Ultimately . . . Confused~

Maybe I'm portraying weakness in mind and maturity by admitting that I have a very hard time viewing others successes as I'm struggling to attain mine, but as of late, that's how I've been feeling, especially when the successor is far younger than I am. I know that I should be a bigger person than that. I should be 100% genuine in wishing the best for everyone who strives for excellence and works towards a particular goal! I do honestly feel that those who work hard, deserve greatness. I guess in saying that, I'm feeling fairly neglected in being offered my token of "greatness". I tend to delve deep into thought (and far into over-analyzation) about what I am doing to ward off the "gods of prosperity". I wonder, is my subconcious working against me? Am I trying to tell myself something? Am I somehow holding myself back from achieving those goals I set for myself so long ago? In pondering the answers that come to mind from these questions, I remember back to what I was like as a child and how I viewed myself and who I thought I would become. I loved to be around animals and children. I always knew that in one way or another I wanted to be working with the innocents- those who depend on others for comfort and nourishment. Some of my fondest memories were of taking care of the farm cats and their large volumes of offspring. I remember begging my mom and dad for a puppy. I used to drag my poor pound puppy, Brownie, around on a leash and pretend he was eating out of dishes I drew out for him in the hopes that my parents would get the hint and give in. Well, they kind of did. We took a trip shortly after to pick out my very own kitten, Crystal. Regardless of how she turned out (I'd digress too far off topic in attempts to explain that one), I still was very fond of kittens, puppies, babies, the elderly, etc. Throughout grade school I practiced spelling the word "veternarian" so as to keep from embarrassing myself when writing the answer to "what do you want to be when you grow up?". High school experiences and pressures caused me to jump around in answers to the afore mentioned question though. I became extremely confused and therefore felt lost. I couldn't define myself. I wasn't able to pinpoint why I was placed here or what it was that I was to accomplish in life. I still feel like I can't fully answer these questions. I'm nearing an age though that I should really have a better grasp on these answers then I do. That scares me. The fact that I have been unable to attain an Early Childhood classroom keeps me asking, "why am I here?", and "what am I missing?". Ultimately, I am at a point in life where I am totally stir-crazy and waiting for a change of some sort! I'm striving to create the change I need but have been undergoing the thought process far more than partaking in the action necessary to encourage my thoughts' development. Simply speaking, I need to do. I need to determine how to do.

~Taking the Initial Leap~

Okay! I made the initial step in order to get things going as far as subbing for this school year! I've made the calls and am just waiting on the responses and my paper work to be processed. I should be up and going at the very latest by the end of September! My plan is to start out subbing one day a week and gradually increase it as I get comfortable (and hopefully receive requests within certain classrooms). I'm placing the situation in God's hands and am going to maintain faith that he'll direct my life's path. As long as I am open to each and every opportunity that is presented to me, I should have my career going one of these days! It's not going to be easy, but I have to use my skills and my acquired degree to my advantage. I've been doing A LOT of thinking lately and have even considered starting over completely- earning a degree in something more marketable at the present time. But, I need to be smart about this. I have a degree that I can utilize, it's just going to take some work on my behalf. Honestly, there were days I HATED subbing, but then there were days I was grateful to be apart of the classroom environment (with the bonus of no planning on my part). I need to remember the joys of the classroom environment as I get back into this, otherwise I'll drive myself crazy with trepidation. Wish me luck and say some prayers that I can maintain my focus and continue to see myself ultimately attaining my goal of having my own classroom one day!!!!

Recession Coming to An End?!

According to an article on ABC News, federal surveys are showing a slight improvement in businesses around the country (http://abcnews.go.com/Business/wirestory?id=8527477).
I find even the gossip of such an actuality encouraging! I'm still concerned though that we'll be struggling through the cold, winter months as unemployment is an issue in most regions yet. It takes time to recover from the downward spiral our country's economy has been taking. I'm praying that all of those who are able and willing to work can find jobs to support themselves and their families. Also, I have been attempting to follow all discussion on the attempts for health care reform. As I believe 99.9999% of our country would agree, I feel that no one should be denied the health care they may require based on financial circumstances! Preventative medicine is the key! No one should have to wait on medical attention until the time comes that it is absolutely necessary or, God forbid, too late! A patient with cancer should not shun away from treatment or the best medical minds because of lack of income to support his/her need! A person working six days a week to stay afloat should have access to yearly check-ups without worry of an extreme cost on his/her end! I am all for helping those in need, but why should someone who works the system be provided with more medical care, at a lower (or no) cost than someone working six to seven days a week?! We need to create a health care system where everyone, no matter what socioeconomic background one may fall in, can receive the quality care necessary to live a full, healthy life. Who would suffer from such a proposition? Doctors, pharmacists, individuals working within any medical facility and mostly, health insurance companies. Why? Because they would no longer be able to spike the cost of something so absolutely necessary to every individual within our country. Maybe I have it wrong. Maybe I misunderstand some of how this all works. I would never claim to know absolutely everything about any topic. I do realize that research costs are high and that the equipment used within hospitals and doctors' offfices are extremely expensive, but my personal experience and inability to obtain the medical attention needed provides me with the clear knowledge that something isn't working and needs to change!

~Ever Think About Life at 80?~

It's funny because throughout our entire childhoods, people are always questioning us on what we want to be when we grow up. As young kids we answer with whatever happened to peak our interest on that particular day (week, or a phase of a few years maybe). The question intensifies in frequency and with purpose though as we near our senior year in high school- the time when we're supposed to know with absolute certainty what direction we're pointing our young minds in. I remember undergoing numerous activities during my senior year that encouraged us to ponder where we would be in the ten years following our graduation. I, like most everyone else, stated that I would be working comfortably (as a first or second grade teacher), married, own a home, and raising at least my first child. It's funny how skewed our sense of time is as seniors in high school.

As most of us direct our lives through the "college" route and choose a major (a few times maybe), the question of what we want to be when we grow up obviously drops off a bit. The pressure isn't on to choose anymore, it's on to do something with that choice. Well, that's where the statistics come in. Yes, you know, that number that tells us how many graduates are actually working within the major and field of their "choice". Personally, I never paid attention to those numbers. Every college offers them as an incentive to make high enrollment numbers, and I wasn't condsidering any other colleges than the one I attended, so I cared little for any of the statistics that they were handing us. In saying that, the message behind that particular above mentioned statistic is definitely clearer to me now more than ever.

I have a teaching license and a degree in Early Childhood Education.
Yup. But I'm working within a local fork lift business preparing invoices and making collection calls. That's about as far away from a classroom as you can get- working 8am to 5pm Monday through Friday. Financially, it keeps me afloat. And let me just state that I am EXTREMELY grateful to be afloat right now. I am well aware that there are many, many people who are out of work and would love to be in my position. I do understand that while I may not be doing what it is that I think I should be or want to be doing, I am still one of the lucky ones. I guess the point that I am trying to make is that I realize I am apart of the negative end of a statistic. Quite honestly, I'm not okay with that. I feel that I have put forth far too much effort and overcome far too many obstacles to be okay with that.

I guess in the end, being aware of this fact, it makes me think about not only the next ten years of my life but also, the next 60! Dealing with Kevin's grandma's dementia makes me wonder more and more what life at 80 will be like for me. The debate as to whether or not to place grandma in home for around the clock, personal care is one that scares me. Not only for her but selfishly, for me as well. What if I don't have anyone around to make those choices and decisions on my behalf? The thought really scared me one morning, as pathetic as that may be to admit, it really did catch me by surprise. I know we can't live in fear of the unknown. We should instead use our fears to motivate us into creating better lives for ourselves. Blah. Blah. Blah. It sounds good. It sounds inspirational and all of that, but I'll admit, I don't know where to start! I am, afterall, only human. I make mistakes. I allow myself to fall into bouts of self-pity from time to time. I think it's healthy in a way, because as long as we don't allow ourselves to take it to an extreme, we can really learn from our "lower" moods.

I'm starting to ramble now as different thoughts creep up on me as I'm typing. Here's to life at 80 and hoping that we're one of the lucky bunch who are sane, mobile, healthy, financially sound, AND loved!

The World's Sad Reality . . . Jacee Dugard

The more I hear and read about the current stories on finding Jacee Dugard, the angrier I become that it happened in the first place. Just today ABC interviewed one of his first known victims, Katie Hall. Garrido conned her into giving him a ride home from a parking lot, stating that his car broke down. I will spare the detailed specifics, as I get sick to my stomach thinking about the event as it is. (For the full news stories on this topic you can go to (www.abcnews.go.com/GMA/Story?id=8460220&page=2).

Fortunately for Katie, an officer found her vehicle outside of the storage unit where he had raped her and found it to be suspicious. If it weren't for that officer, Katie probably would be dead. There is much speculation at this point linking Garrido to the deaths of previous prostitutes and other young girls. He even openly admited to exposing himself to young girls and to experiencing strong urges of rape! How is it then that he only served 11 years of his 50 years to life sentence?! Garrido should never have been given the chance to rape, torture, or kidnap again. But he was. Not only was he given the chance, he took it and got away with it for 18 years despite what I believe to be obvious signs of wrong-doing. I found pictures online showing his home and backyard. The yard was filled with tents, storage barns, and other makeshift shelters. (http://extras.mercurynews.com/slideshows/news/2009/08/jaycee_dugard_0828/)
I don't understand how his parole officers could come to his house without checking his backyard and the inside thoroughly. Now I know I watch way too much NCIS, CSI, and that sort, but still. There are numerous ways that a repeat sex offender can get away with his/her sick deeds. So why make it so easy on them to do so? I read one of the comments made to the ABC news article on this topic. Someone had stated that we need to understand that not every sex offender repeats his/her act. I don't buy that one bit! And regardless, if a man or woman has committed an act such as this to a child or anyone, they DO NOT DESERVE the right to complete privacy.

One may say that Jaycee is lucky. Lucky to be alive. That her family is lucky to have her back....but what now? What about her future? What about the future of her two innocent daughters? An officer stated that he found the "robotic" state of the two young girls odd and suspicious. Can you imagine where their state of mind is at? It infuriates me to think about! Garrido altered (negatively to say the least) the lives of numerous people and now claims that once we have seen how much his two daughters have changed his life, we'll view his actions in a different light. Really?! Like anyone who hears about this story even slightly gives a damn about him or how he has changed as a result of Jaycee's capture! My thoughts are on Jaycee as a horrifed 14 year old giving birth for the first time without the support of a mother or a loved one! Can you imagine how an experience such as that alters one's state of mind? Or how Jaycee endured anything of which she experienced?

I pray that Jaycee and her young daughters adjust and transition well with the support of her loved ones who missed her dearly over the last 18 years.