Updates . . . and Such

Well the CT scan results have been back for two weeks now. They show a dense mass above the orginal incision area. The mass itself could be nothing or it could be cancer. Unfortunately, this whole process is already frustrating me. I am a master procrastinator and don't want to deal with this! I did make an appointment with the podiatrist that my family doctor recommended but was so annoyed with him and his remarks that it just frustrated me further. He was more than a bit arrogant (in my opinion), and I wasn't overjoyed with his thoughts (although they would be ideal in this particular situation). I just don't feel as though I have the strength at the moment to continue in the process. I know that sounds utterly stupid to others but that is where I am at right now. I did make an appointment with an additional podiatrist for late April. I will make sure that I have the actual CT with me to show him, and I will also inform him that the original tissue removed was cancerous. Hopefully he takes me more seriously. I don't want to jump to conclusions but things such as this need to be treated to the fullest. Apparently the scar tissue is immense- and that in itself is probably contributing to the pain that I have. Overall, I am hoping for all of this to be handled when school is out for the summer. I am hoping that these last few months of the school year go smoothly and that this summer holds everything we are striving for.

Sometimes I feel embarassed that this blog could potentially be read. The title itself shares the mundane nature my blog must take on. I mean this is the everyday in my world. It doesn't matter whether or not someone actually reads my words- but it is nice to write it out- express oneself- purge those thoughts and attempt to make sense of them.

I'm not so sure the purpose we take on sometimes- and I know I'm not the only one who has ever wondered that. It's common for us to question, doubt, become frustrated, want out..... Everyone deals with those feelings in their own way. Some push away others and become isolated- some attach themselves to people who appear strong and confident in their purpose. I wish I had more of an answer. I wish that people weren't so quick to judge and condemn. I had a religion class tonight that I am taking in order to keep my religion teaching license up to date. The particular course is the Theology of the Body-appropriate viewpoints of Catholic Sexuality, Celibacy, Communion to the Church in the "Marriage to the Lamb". Tonight's class frustrated me. I found the key points redundant..... and at times slightly far reaching. I don't know- I probably shouldn't even be questioning it (or mentioning it for that matter), but religion and one's spirituality is so personal. PERSONAL. And yet should be evident and vocalized at the same time. Who has mastered that fully? (Besides Christ.) Not me- as much as I try, not me.
Not me.

Nothing but a Memory.....

Thinking of those in my life who we lost to cancer . . . .

Tomorrow I have a CT scan scheduled in order to take a closer look into my foot and determine whether or not the cancer came back. It's been two years since the cancerous spot was removed so I'm hoping that I am clear yet. I'm supposed to have it looked at every year and probably would have put it off longer yet if it hadn't been bothering me so much lately. My family doctor reassured me though that more than likely it is just nerve damage. As painful as that is- and the corresponding surgery that it may still entail- I'd still rather deal with that than the thought of cancer again. I guess I really should respect myself more- take better care of myself- make "good choices" as I tell my kids.

What's it going to take to get myself back on track? You'd think that the outside motivators would be strong enough and yet, nothing. I know that I let myself get too stressed yet about things I can't control. Am I always going to have that bad habit? Maybe as life continues and I season myself into this part of my life, I will lighten up a bit. I realized this week though that I am extremely hard on myself. I can't please everyone all of the time---- and besides, how does it go? --- just work to please yourself? hhhmmm... not so sure I even know how to do that. Not that I don't have an enjoyable life- I don't mean that at all. I mean it in regards to decisions I make, etc.  And I wish things were slightly easier for me than they are. I know that seems selfish when there are others out there struggling and barely making it. It's just that if you look at me and my life, it's so wrapped up in working and making sure loose ends are tied up, others are happy, class hours are being kept..... I work 6 days a week and out of those days I currently have class two nights and tutor an additional two nights in the week. I'm not saying that to complain- I'm saying it because if anyone were to outline what my daily life consists of, if they to look at what I am attempting to accomplish- what would they think? Do people realize that I'm trying my best? That I'm attempting to make life easier for those in my life? I guess I just need to tell myself now and again that I'm not a bad person and I deserve good things. Right? Why is it that I have to consciously remind myself? Shouldn't I just know that? Or is that the way it is for most people?

Oh well, I've been in a different state of mind lately and it always leads to thinking outside of the box and ultimately centering myself again. It just takes a couple of days to get there. Good old country music and some alone time does the trick every time.

In honor of my 5-year-olds:
"Dear Jesus be with me as I attempt to make good choices and do my very best everyday. Thank you for the time to sleep and the time to wake. Please watch over me each new day. Amen"