Lost in Loss

I'm missing Alison so much today. I get like this now and then. I get so angry about it that it can be so emotionally consuming. There are no words to express how her life and being touched people. She was one in a million. I hope that she looks down smiling and is proud of who I am. I don't quite get why everyone who has meant something in my life, as well as my siblings and family, have passed. I know that it's not healthy to be so angry about it from time to time, but I can't help but feel that way. I am trying to understand- I know that life is not, and never will be, fair. I know that life is what you make of it. Obviously, after so many losses in my life, I am well aware that life in itself is short. I need to remember this more. I need to relax more. I need to open up and figure out what the heck I want out of being here. Teaching has added a huge new dimension to my life. It really has opened up my heart more. But, I still feel like I'm just not making the most out of myself or my time. I'm feeling meloncholy lately. I know that doesn't help matters.

Horoscope for Wednesday, January 27th

"You may feel as though the smallest issue is now a life or death situation. Depending on your mood, you may find yourself on the brink of complete disaster, and then the next minute you are soaring high. Remember that the drama that surrounds you is more a product of you and your reaction to the environment rather than the environment itself. "

Most of this seems to ring true- most. The whole soaring high part hasn't hit personally in the last 6 days. Kind of tired of it- but I'd have to agree that the "drama" I feel only affects me. I'm the only one who feels like things are off-kilter. So apparently, the drama is a product of my reactions. Right or wrong? Of course that doesn't matter. I feel how I feel. Isn't that enough?!

"Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tradegy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it." ~ Mother Teresa

New Year ~ and the typical New Year's Resolution!

Yes- I am going to be one of those people! LOL- those people who decide that the best time to start dieting and exercising is January! I just really feel ready. I didn't really include it in my actual New Year's Resolution with the rest of my 2010 goals- but I feel now, at the middle of January, that I am ready to start this. I'm gotten myself into a comfortable realm of not working out again- and that's VERY bad! I feel better about everything in general when I work out regularly and I miss that feeling! I've started by determining what would be the best thing to do for breakfast and lunch. I have a huge problem with eating at these times because I'm either on the go or way too busy! I don't really let myself sit down and eat either of these meals. Then I'm weak and miserable after school, without any desire of expending any more energy. I've noticed though that if I "drink" my breakfast and lunch, that the day seems to run smoother. I've been searching for a decent, used treadmill or a cheap new one for home. I just feel more comfortable working out at home- it doesn't take time out of my schedule to travel to the rec either. I miss having a treadmill in the house so I plan to do something about that, as soon as possible.

This resolution is more than just dieting and exercising to lose weight- it's a change to my lifestyle in order to feel better and be healthier. My body has lost it's ability to work smoothly. The fact that I am capable of bringing that back is not lost on me, and I want to do something about it. As much as I'd like to have an exterior motivation, I must manage to do this on my own, for me! I'm hoping that by putting it in writing, I can keep myself accountable. I counted my caloric intake for the day and realize that has gotten comfortably higher as well. I need to drop in reasonable amounts until I'm back to the recommended for my height, age, and desired weight!

Wish me luck! I'm very excited (sitting here writing about it at least)!!!