It's been awhile again....

This new school year has brought so many long days. My current group of youngsters are young and have had a rough time of transitioning to a full school day. They are making such great progress and seem to be adapting to the demands of the kindergarten curriculum. The germs and sickness have been flying around the room for weeks though! We have coughing fits, sneezing fits, pink eye, pneumonia, and tired faces galore. Even our classroom Halloween party seemed to be very taxing on their little bodies! I'm hoping this means that the winter months will be without issues!!!!!! (I think we all know better though.)

And since I can't post their pictures online, I'll share one of their (and my) favorite pciture from this year's Halloween holiday:

Radar (1 1/2 years old)

Overall life has been crazy as ever! I am trying very hard to keep myself in a positive frame of mind regardless of the unfulfilled expectations I had for myself. With year 28 coming up, I need to recenter and refocus. I need to come to deeper conclusions about exactly it is that I want from life. Redefining my goals and creating a new outline for myself may help in actually attaining them.

It's just wild to think about the vast changes that have occurred in my life through the last 6 to 7 years.

Some of the changes are frustrating, saddening, and just plain maddening! Others are changes that I should be on my knees thanking God for each and every day! It's hard to find a balance that leads to ultimate feelings of content.

Such is life in the everyday I suppose . . .

Okay... just being real

So I've had two good days of personal motivation to work out. I haven't been doing as much as I probably could be doing but the frequent bursts of motivation have resulted in more movement then previously. Now if I can just get my snacking and cravings under control- maybe I'd get somewhere. Here comes the "being real" part- I'm wondering if I'm going to be able to keep this motivation up. I know that working out can be addiciting and really wish I was at that point already!!!
I'm fed up with everyone around me acheiving and getting what they want- I need to be able to do that too. It starts with me so here's to hoping this motivation stays and I don't migrate back to the self-pity slope of it all.

Potential Change.......who am I kidding? Everything Changes

"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies." ~ Author Unknown

"God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me." ~Author Unknown

Tuning into my faith, asking for guidance, hoping for the best possible outcome.....God you have gotten me to this point, please continue to lead me forward. I wouldn't even venture to say that I know all of the answers or what is the best possible outcome for me in life. The only thing I know for sure is that sometimes change is necessary. I am not one who welcomes too much change. I gain my security in knowing what to anticipate but sometimes I have let go. I have to release my fears, my anxiety, and my loyalty concerns for God to transform into something worthwhile.

As my mom taught me years ago: "God, please keep me in the circle of your protection."

Easy Come, Easy Go...... more like Hard Coming, Harder Leaving....

Last day with my second class today. Two years of teaching done. At this point in my life, with so much swirling around me.. it seems surreal or something. I'm not sure I have the words for it really. I love my job.
Thinking about my mentality the past month, I really don't have such a hard life to complain about....
here comes the but....

There are ongoing circumstances, relationships, heartbreaks....
There have been newly issued situations which require so much patience..... require me being the bigger person, again.

I guess as much as I think I have it together, I don't.
I need to resolve past issues. I need to figure out how exactly I feel about them and where I want them to be in the end. While treading water is a good skill to learn, it keeps you in one spot without the potential of moving far enough forward.

Lately I've been stepping back and thinking about how someone would remember me. Have I moved far enough forward? Am I improving myself, staying stagnate, or worse, declining? We all have faults but how do I make mine appear less severe... and mainly, how do I improve myself to the point of being proud again.

I want to ask: "When's it my turn?" but that seems so self-involved....

Blessings:
Kevin
My Babies (Missy, Buddy, Whiskers, and Radar)
My Career (teacher) and My Job (barista)
My Students and their Families -not being afraid to remind me that they are supportive
My Friends -the few close ones who are supportive in my life
My Family -even with all the work we've got ahead of us and the time we've got to make it right

End of the year fReNzY.....

Another school year has almost passed.... five more days with my second group of kiddos.
It's a weird feeling really. I'm more relaxed about certain things already- just knowing some of the routine and end-of-the-year requirements helps a lot!

This group has taught me just as much as my first group.
I'm still continually working on daily patience, empathy, and compassion.
Each student tests you as a teacher and care giver in different ways.
I've learned to attempt at giving something each day in some way- whether it be a patient word or complimentary thought. My students want my approval so badly. Remembering this reminds me just how important it is to take deep breaths and evaluate my own performance.
I've found that with this group the most frustrating time is in the morning. This is because they are soooo eager to share their experiences and nightly routines that it makes it hard to complete the morning housekeeping tasks that need to be done. I don't remember last year's group being so overwhelming first thing in the morning. I'll be curious to see how next year's group is in this regard. It's quite possible that I simply did not notice it last year for whatever reason.

One thought I've had at this point in the school year and my particular life occurences.....
I'm where I'm meant to be. I'm doing what I was designed to do.
I'm happy with my work.... I'm happy with my life.

I pray to God every day to keep my life as blessed as it is at the moment... to keep me within His circle of protection and guide me to make the best possible choices for my life plan. Afterall, He brought me here.

Updates . . . and Such

Well the CT scan results have been back for two weeks now. They show a dense mass above the orginal incision area. The mass itself could be nothing or it could be cancer. Unfortunately, this whole process is already frustrating me. I am a master procrastinator and don't want to deal with this! I did make an appointment with the podiatrist that my family doctor recommended but was so annoyed with him and his remarks that it just frustrated me further. He was more than a bit arrogant (in my opinion), and I wasn't overjoyed with his thoughts (although they would be ideal in this particular situation). I just don't feel as though I have the strength at the moment to continue in the process. I know that sounds utterly stupid to others but that is where I am at right now. I did make an appointment with an additional podiatrist for late April. I will make sure that I have the actual CT with me to show him, and I will also inform him that the original tissue removed was cancerous. Hopefully he takes me more seriously. I don't want to jump to conclusions but things such as this need to be treated to the fullest. Apparently the scar tissue is immense- and that in itself is probably contributing to the pain that I have. Overall, I am hoping for all of this to be handled when school is out for the summer. I am hoping that these last few months of the school year go smoothly and that this summer holds everything we are striving for.

Sometimes I feel embarassed that this blog could potentially be read. The title itself shares the mundane nature my blog must take on. I mean this is the everyday in my world. It doesn't matter whether or not someone actually reads my words- but it is nice to write it out- express oneself- purge those thoughts and attempt to make sense of them.

I'm not so sure the purpose we take on sometimes- and I know I'm not the only one who has ever wondered that. It's common for us to question, doubt, become frustrated, want out..... Everyone deals with those feelings in their own way. Some push away others and become isolated- some attach themselves to people who appear strong and confident in their purpose. I wish I had more of an answer. I wish that people weren't so quick to judge and condemn. I had a religion class tonight that I am taking in order to keep my religion teaching license up to date. The particular course is the Theology of the Body-appropriate viewpoints of Catholic Sexuality, Celibacy, Communion to the Church in the "Marriage to the Lamb". Tonight's class frustrated me. I found the key points redundant..... and at times slightly far reaching. I don't know- I probably shouldn't even be questioning it (or mentioning it for that matter), but religion and one's spirituality is so personal. PERSONAL. And yet should be evident and vocalized at the same time. Who has mastered that fully? (Besides Christ.) Not me- as much as I try, not me.
Not me.

Nothing but a Memory.....

Thinking of those in my life who we lost to cancer . . . .

Tomorrow I have a CT scan scheduled in order to take a closer look into my foot and determine whether or not the cancer came back. It's been two years since the cancerous spot was removed so I'm hoping that I am clear yet. I'm supposed to have it looked at every year and probably would have put it off longer yet if it hadn't been bothering me so much lately. My family doctor reassured me though that more than likely it is just nerve damage. As painful as that is- and the corresponding surgery that it may still entail- I'd still rather deal with that than the thought of cancer again. I guess I really should respect myself more- take better care of myself- make "good choices" as I tell my kids.

What's it going to take to get myself back on track? You'd think that the outside motivators would be strong enough and yet, nothing. I know that I let myself get too stressed yet about things I can't control. Am I always going to have that bad habit? Maybe as life continues and I season myself into this part of my life, I will lighten up a bit. I realized this week though that I am extremely hard on myself. I can't please everyone all of the time---- and besides, how does it go? --- just work to please yourself? hhhmmm... not so sure I even know how to do that. Not that I don't have an enjoyable life- I don't mean that at all. I mean it in regards to decisions I make, etc.  And I wish things were slightly easier for me than they are. I know that seems selfish when there are others out there struggling and barely making it. It's just that if you look at me and my life, it's so wrapped up in working and making sure loose ends are tied up, others are happy, class hours are being kept..... I work 6 days a week and out of those days I currently have class two nights and tutor an additional two nights in the week. I'm not saying that to complain- I'm saying it because if anyone were to outline what my daily life consists of, if they to look at what I am attempting to accomplish- what would they think? Do people realize that I'm trying my best? That I'm attempting to make life easier for those in my life? I guess I just need to tell myself now and again that I'm not a bad person and I deserve good things. Right? Why is it that I have to consciously remind myself? Shouldn't I just know that? Or is that the way it is for most people?

Oh well, I've been in a different state of mind lately and it always leads to thinking outside of the box and ultimately centering myself again. It just takes a couple of days to get there. Good old country music and some alone time does the trick every time.

In honor of my 5-year-olds:
"Dear Jesus be with me as I attempt to make good choices and do my very best everyday. Thank you for the time to sleep and the time to wake. Please watch over me each new day. Amen"