Thinking of those in my life who we lost to cancer . . . .
Tomorrow I have a CT scan scheduled in order to take a closer look into my foot and determine whether or not the cancer came back. It's been two years since the cancerous spot was removed so I'm hoping that I am clear yet. I'm supposed to have it looked at every year and probably would have put it off longer yet if it hadn't been bothering me so much lately. My family doctor reassured me though that more than likely it is just nerve damage. As painful as that is- and the corresponding surgery that it may still entail- I'd still rather deal with that than the thought of cancer again. I guess I really should respect myself more- take better care of myself- make "good choices" as I tell my kids.
What's it going to take to get myself back on track? You'd think that the outside motivators would be strong enough and yet, nothing. I know that I let myself get too stressed yet about things I can't control. Am I always going to have that bad habit? Maybe as life continues and I season myself into this part of my life, I will lighten up a bit. I realized this week though that I am extremely hard on myself. I can't please everyone all of the time---- and besides, how does it go? --- just work to please yourself? hhhmmm... not so sure I even know how to do that. Not that I don't have an enjoyable life- I don't mean that at all. I mean it in regards to decisions I make, etc. And I wish things were slightly easier for me than they are. I know that seems selfish when there are others out there struggling and barely making it. It's just that if you look at me and my life, it's so wrapped up in working and making sure loose ends are tied up, others are happy, class hours are being kept..... I work 6 days a week and out of those days I currently have class two nights and tutor an additional two nights in the week. I'm not saying that to complain- I'm saying it because if anyone were to outline what my daily life consists of, if they to look at what I am attempting to accomplish- what would they think? Do people realize that I'm trying my best? That I'm attempting to make life easier for those in my life? I guess I just need to tell myself now and again that I'm not a bad person and I deserve good things. Right? Why is it that I have to consciously remind myself? Shouldn't I just know that? Or is that the way it is for most people?
Oh well, I've been in a different state of mind lately and it always leads to thinking outside of the box and ultimately centering myself again. It just takes a couple of days to get there. Good old country music and some alone time does the trick every time.
In honor of my 5-year-olds:
"Dear Jesus be with me as I attempt to make good choices and do my very best everyday. Thank you for the time to sleep and the time to wake. Please watch over me each new day. Amen"
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