"It is better to be a lion for a day than a sheep all of your life." ~Anon.
It's funny to think about how often we personify animals. The reverse occurs just as often too if you think about it. We use animals to portray characters in books, movies, plays- beastly or not. We use animals to convey feelings, emotions, and the like. Look at how many animals are used in commercials and advertisements as marketing tools. I just find it strangely fascinating tonight for whatever reason. Finding the above quote got me thinking. I often wonder how it is that I cannot seem to put my foot down on certain matters and/or with certain people. How do I obtain the authority needed to make the decisions and choices that bring happiness to me? I know that I have ventured this question through prior blogs, as I am sure I will again, but happiness seems to be an ongoing venture.
Early this morning I read that an acquaintance, someone I had at one time served and chatted with while working at a local restaurant, had committed suicide. I have not seen this individual in over a year and during the time I did see him frequently, I did not create an overly social relationship with him for obvious reasons. I was/is in a relationship and he stated his attraction outwardly. The only reason I mention this is because the shock experienced in hearing the news was in part due to this. I know that many people go through life knowing this or that person is/was attracted to them. I'm not one who has ever been aware of this. My mom and sister used to joke with me about it all of the time. A fitting recall story for the moment would be the guy and his crashed boxes as I walked unwittingly by. I don't have a clue. You have to be blatantly obvious for me to get it- I never was able to acknowledge it. That goes with coworkers' respect and admiration as well. I don't just assume it's there and can't pick up on it unless it is stated. He was obvious about it, and it made me feel good. Simply, humanly put it made me feel good to think he would outwardly state his attraction without regard of others thoughts or opinions. It saddens me to think that someone who could put a small layer of confidence on my skin would turn to suicide. Apparently I was no help in adding to his thick skin. I feel as though maybe I stole a layer away. Not that I blame myself. I understand that I don't hold that much power over someone I merely waited on from time to time. I just wonder if I could impact more people better than I do.
I have a "fix-me" complex with others, animal and human. It started out early bringing in the barnyard cats and their many litters. I would dream about finding helpless, abandoned babies to which I would provide homes and comfort. I would date all of the wrong guys- the ones who needed rebuilt. I would attempt to solve family struggles which usually got me in deeper. You know the pattern- it goes on and on. I guess that I always dreamed of making a difference. I always wanted to be remembered as self-less and caring. The selfishness of having a legacy such as the above hits me now. Do I really feel shock because this seemingly fun-loving guy committed suicide? That I can say, I do. There is no selfish reason for me to be saddened at his loss. Shock fits in nicely with me as with many others who are wondering why tonight. I've felt alone. Sometimes I still do when it comes to certain experiences and choices. This isn't the end of it. There was a quote I read which went something like this: life shouldn't be viewed as torment, rather a blessed legacy and gift. That was a paraphrase for sure, but you get the idea. Obviously our dear "man" saw only the harshness and torture of living here on earth. Another friend of mine, upon hearing of this news, stated that those who commit suicide never find peace. I, honest to GOD, hope that her statement is not true. I have no ill-will toward those who reach their end in this way. I feel for their pain. I don't think it's fair to say they will have no peace because of the manner in which they died. (I'm sure many would disagree with me one this!) I want those who suffer here in any way to find the love that we are promised. Otherwise, what good is any of it?! I do feel suicide is a weak act, but God loves the weak. God helps the weak, right?
Suicide, murder, death in any form is not one we take lightly. Some may suffer more than others. Many die unfairly under cruel conditions. Some may fall to their own despair. I wish for us all to have a peaceful life and death. I wish for us all to stand as lions, strong in our beliefs, and act as sheep, nurturing to all and easily guided by the strong.
