It's been awhile again....

This new school year has brought so many long days. My current group of youngsters are young and have had a rough time of transitioning to a full school day. They are making such great progress and seem to be adapting to the demands of the kindergarten curriculum. The germs and sickness have been flying around the room for weeks though! We have coughing fits, sneezing fits, pink eye, pneumonia, and tired faces galore. Even our classroom Halloween party seemed to be very taxing on their little bodies! I'm hoping this means that the winter months will be without issues!!!!!! (I think we all know better though.)

And since I can't post their pictures online, I'll share one of their (and my) favorite pciture from this year's Halloween holiday:

Radar (1 1/2 years old)

Overall life has been crazy as ever! I am trying very hard to keep myself in a positive frame of mind regardless of the unfulfilled expectations I had for myself. With year 28 coming up, I need to recenter and refocus. I need to come to deeper conclusions about exactly it is that I want from life. Redefining my goals and creating a new outline for myself may help in actually attaining them.

It's just wild to think about the vast changes that have occurred in my life through the last 6 to 7 years.

Some of the changes are frustrating, saddening, and just plain maddening! Others are changes that I should be on my knees thanking God for each and every day! It's hard to find a balance that leads to ultimate feelings of content.

Such is life in the everyday I suppose . . .

Okay... just being real

So I've had two good days of personal motivation to work out. I haven't been doing as much as I probably could be doing but the frequent bursts of motivation have resulted in more movement then previously. Now if I can just get my snacking and cravings under control- maybe I'd get somewhere. Here comes the "being real" part- I'm wondering if I'm going to be able to keep this motivation up. I know that working out can be addiciting and really wish I was at that point already!!!
I'm fed up with everyone around me acheiving and getting what they want- I need to be able to do that too. It starts with me so here's to hoping this motivation stays and I don't migrate back to the self-pity slope of it all.

Potential Change.......who am I kidding? Everything Changes

"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies." ~ Author Unknown

"God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me." ~Author Unknown

Tuning into my faith, asking for guidance, hoping for the best possible outcome.....God you have gotten me to this point, please continue to lead me forward. I wouldn't even venture to say that I know all of the answers or what is the best possible outcome for me in life. The only thing I know for sure is that sometimes change is necessary. I am not one who welcomes too much change. I gain my security in knowing what to anticipate but sometimes I have let go. I have to release my fears, my anxiety, and my loyalty concerns for God to transform into something worthwhile.

As my mom taught me years ago: "God, please keep me in the circle of your protection."

Easy Come, Easy Go...... more like Hard Coming, Harder Leaving....

Last day with my second class today. Two years of teaching done. At this point in my life, with so much swirling around me.. it seems surreal or something. I'm not sure I have the words for it really. I love my job.
Thinking about my mentality the past month, I really don't have such a hard life to complain about....
here comes the but....

There are ongoing circumstances, relationships, heartbreaks....
There have been newly issued situations which require so much patience..... require me being the bigger person, again.

I guess as much as I think I have it together, I don't.
I need to resolve past issues. I need to figure out how exactly I feel about them and where I want them to be in the end. While treading water is a good skill to learn, it keeps you in one spot without the potential of moving far enough forward.

Lately I've been stepping back and thinking about how someone would remember me. Have I moved far enough forward? Am I improving myself, staying stagnate, or worse, declining? We all have faults but how do I make mine appear less severe... and mainly, how do I improve myself to the point of being proud again.

I want to ask: "When's it my turn?" but that seems so self-involved....

Blessings:
Kevin
My Babies (Missy, Buddy, Whiskers, and Radar)
My Career (teacher) and My Job (barista)
My Students and their Families -not being afraid to remind me that they are supportive
My Friends -the few close ones who are supportive in my life
My Family -even with all the work we've got ahead of us and the time we've got to make it right

End of the year fReNzY.....

Another school year has almost passed.... five more days with my second group of kiddos.
It's a weird feeling really. I'm more relaxed about certain things already- just knowing some of the routine and end-of-the-year requirements helps a lot!

This group has taught me just as much as my first group.
I'm still continually working on daily patience, empathy, and compassion.
Each student tests you as a teacher and care giver in different ways.
I've learned to attempt at giving something each day in some way- whether it be a patient word or complimentary thought. My students want my approval so badly. Remembering this reminds me just how important it is to take deep breaths and evaluate my own performance.
I've found that with this group the most frustrating time is in the morning. This is because they are soooo eager to share their experiences and nightly routines that it makes it hard to complete the morning housekeeping tasks that need to be done. I don't remember last year's group being so overwhelming first thing in the morning. I'll be curious to see how next year's group is in this regard. It's quite possible that I simply did not notice it last year for whatever reason.

One thought I've had at this point in the school year and my particular life occurences.....
I'm where I'm meant to be. I'm doing what I was designed to do.
I'm happy with my work.... I'm happy with my life.

I pray to God every day to keep my life as blessed as it is at the moment... to keep me within His circle of protection and guide me to make the best possible choices for my life plan. Afterall, He brought me here.

Updates . . . and Such

Well the CT scan results have been back for two weeks now. They show a dense mass above the orginal incision area. The mass itself could be nothing or it could be cancer. Unfortunately, this whole process is already frustrating me. I am a master procrastinator and don't want to deal with this! I did make an appointment with the podiatrist that my family doctor recommended but was so annoyed with him and his remarks that it just frustrated me further. He was more than a bit arrogant (in my opinion), and I wasn't overjoyed with his thoughts (although they would be ideal in this particular situation). I just don't feel as though I have the strength at the moment to continue in the process. I know that sounds utterly stupid to others but that is where I am at right now. I did make an appointment with an additional podiatrist for late April. I will make sure that I have the actual CT with me to show him, and I will also inform him that the original tissue removed was cancerous. Hopefully he takes me more seriously. I don't want to jump to conclusions but things such as this need to be treated to the fullest. Apparently the scar tissue is immense- and that in itself is probably contributing to the pain that I have. Overall, I am hoping for all of this to be handled when school is out for the summer. I am hoping that these last few months of the school year go smoothly and that this summer holds everything we are striving for.

Sometimes I feel embarassed that this blog could potentially be read. The title itself shares the mundane nature my blog must take on. I mean this is the everyday in my world. It doesn't matter whether or not someone actually reads my words- but it is nice to write it out- express oneself- purge those thoughts and attempt to make sense of them.

I'm not so sure the purpose we take on sometimes- and I know I'm not the only one who has ever wondered that. It's common for us to question, doubt, become frustrated, want out..... Everyone deals with those feelings in their own way. Some push away others and become isolated- some attach themselves to people who appear strong and confident in their purpose. I wish I had more of an answer. I wish that people weren't so quick to judge and condemn. I had a religion class tonight that I am taking in order to keep my religion teaching license up to date. The particular course is the Theology of the Body-appropriate viewpoints of Catholic Sexuality, Celibacy, Communion to the Church in the "Marriage to the Lamb". Tonight's class frustrated me. I found the key points redundant..... and at times slightly far reaching. I don't know- I probably shouldn't even be questioning it (or mentioning it for that matter), but religion and one's spirituality is so personal. PERSONAL. And yet should be evident and vocalized at the same time. Who has mastered that fully? (Besides Christ.) Not me- as much as I try, not me.
Not me.

Nothing but a Memory.....

Thinking of those in my life who we lost to cancer . . . .

Tomorrow I have a CT scan scheduled in order to take a closer look into my foot and determine whether or not the cancer came back. It's been two years since the cancerous spot was removed so I'm hoping that I am clear yet. I'm supposed to have it looked at every year and probably would have put it off longer yet if it hadn't been bothering me so much lately. My family doctor reassured me though that more than likely it is just nerve damage. As painful as that is- and the corresponding surgery that it may still entail- I'd still rather deal with that than the thought of cancer again. I guess I really should respect myself more- take better care of myself- make "good choices" as I tell my kids.

What's it going to take to get myself back on track? You'd think that the outside motivators would be strong enough and yet, nothing. I know that I let myself get too stressed yet about things I can't control. Am I always going to have that bad habit? Maybe as life continues and I season myself into this part of my life, I will lighten up a bit. I realized this week though that I am extremely hard on myself. I can't please everyone all of the time---- and besides, how does it go? --- just work to please yourself? hhhmmm... not so sure I even know how to do that. Not that I don't have an enjoyable life- I don't mean that at all. I mean it in regards to decisions I make, etc.  And I wish things were slightly easier for me than they are. I know that seems selfish when there are others out there struggling and barely making it. It's just that if you look at me and my life, it's so wrapped up in working and making sure loose ends are tied up, others are happy, class hours are being kept..... I work 6 days a week and out of those days I currently have class two nights and tutor an additional two nights in the week. I'm not saying that to complain- I'm saying it because if anyone were to outline what my daily life consists of, if they to look at what I am attempting to accomplish- what would they think? Do people realize that I'm trying my best? That I'm attempting to make life easier for those in my life? I guess I just need to tell myself now and again that I'm not a bad person and I deserve good things. Right? Why is it that I have to consciously remind myself? Shouldn't I just know that? Or is that the way it is for most people?

Oh well, I've been in a different state of mind lately and it always leads to thinking outside of the box and ultimately centering myself again. It just takes a couple of days to get there. Good old country music and some alone time does the trick every time.

In honor of my 5-year-olds:
"Dear Jesus be with me as I attempt to make good choices and do my very best everyday. Thank you for the time to sleep and the time to wake. Please watch over me each new day. Amen"

Update . . . for personal encouragement

While my New Year's Resolution may not be all that thrilling to most people, nor my progress towards accomplishing it, but I feel that putting my progress in print may help me keep up the motivation needed to fully become healthier. One aspect of my resolution was to- yes, lose weight. And in about 17 days time I have managed to lose a solid 6 pounds. The weight tends to fluctuate between 6 and 7 but it seems to be sitting consistently at the 6 mark. This was done solely by counting calories and watching how much and what I am eating. I've started working out a bit with my new Wii- using the Just Dance game as a way to get moving. I've been feeling pretty good while doing this too. Just tonight I purchased the Zumba game and hope that this will help me as well. With the addition of aerobic movement into my routine, I hope to get past that solid 6 and move onto my goal weight.

It does get hard sometimes though... I know that seeing larger weight loss takes time and it can be frustrating. I'm trying so hard not to succomb to food when I'm stressed, emotional, or depressed. I don't know when exactly I began doing that- but I have been an emotional eater as of the last few years. I know that once I get myself in shape- the rush of working out and eating right will kick in as it always does. It's just tough getting past this "craving" period of junk and pushing past the sedentary habits I have created.

I have dieted and failed in the past. I have told myself I was going to undergo a "lifestyle change" and have failed in the past. This time I'm not really going to title it as anything- this time I am attempting to work on my self-control. I'm attempting to see how I really view myself- how strong I really think I am. I haven't been exhibiting self-worth as of late and it's time to change that.

New Year's Resolution 2011

(Two weeks of vacation with Kevin home as well. It's days and weeks like this that I realize how lucky I am to have the support that I have in my life.) In preparation for the writing of this resolution, I became thoroughly and instantly depressed. How can one really write a resolution about making changes if he/she doesn't acknowledge the existing circumstances that one desires to change. I will make my resolutions short and simple as I am still having a difficult time acknowledging the fact that I have let both issues get to the point that they have.

There are two main things in my life that I would like to work on changing:

1) My Weight- which is a repetitive resolution that I always say will occur that particular year.

This year though I have to master my weight issues. I have spiraled into a situation in which I don't acknowledge what I am eating or how much weight I have managed to put on. But I in order to conquer an issue, one must know what the issue is. I put on 8 pounds this year. What's my excuse this year? No foot surgery- that was in 2009. No office job where I'm sitting all day- that was 2008 and 2009. Without a walking partner?- Now I've got the puppy who requires regular excerise.  Just plan BAD HABITS and acquired LAZINESS! I have no excuses. I have purchased a Wii gaming system, Kevin has promised to help decrease the amount of junk food in the house, and I have promised to join Anna in Weight Watchers. Whether or not I allow these tools to assist me is completely up to how I integrate them into my new daily life. So here's to 2011's weight loss and upcoming June nuptials!



2) Over-Reacting Emotionally- which is a new acknowledgement on my part.

I have realized very recently that I am happy. Isn't that a funny thought to have. If it's true as I believe it to be- then I need to begin acting like it. I need to stop over-reacting to comments and situations. I didn't fully see my outbursts as they are. Ashamed and embarassed would be two adjectives I would use to describe myself in response to that realization.

 Do you know what finally triggered me into "getting it"? Radar. It seems silly I realize, but I care so much for my animals (and especially of the newest edition who has "needed" me from day one) that I don't want to disrupt or create disbalance in their emotional well-being. Radar is such a loving, sensitive, emotional, sweet character that he quite obviously displays his family's moods in his own actions and personality. If I am agitated- so is he. If I am frustrated- he sure lets me know that frustration can be overwhelming. It breaks my heart to think that I can have a negative impact on any being (human or animal). He's brought back in me that soft, quiet sensibility. That presence that goes with the flow and doesn't over-react. That being that takes "bad" circumstances and softly corrects them into "good" experiences.

"Softly" My new word for my actions this year will be "softly". React softly. Think things through softly. Soft doesn't have to be viewed in a negative light. I thought that it did. I thought I was too soft. I thought that I should be harder. I thought that I should be tougher. I thought that I had to be more outspoken. I was incorrect. I realize it now, after it has become quite a habit to react poorly- to react harshly in the instant. I want to acknowledge this now. I want to face this head on. I want to change this back. There are some things that we don't need to change. Gentle, soft, relaxed, sensitive. That's how I want to be remembered. I don't want to have to be tough, not in the sense of attitude and reaction.

Approach softly. Love fully. React patiently.

Christmas 2010

Merry Christmas!

It's Radar's first Christmas! :-) Not that he, as Kevin reminds me, knows the difference between today and any other day! Oh well, the holidays and the snow are still new experiences for him and it's kind of fun to see how much he loves to play in the snow!

It's hard to believe that 2010 is coming to an end. It's amazing how fast life flies by... before you know it I'll be preparing for my next group of kids and their Christmas festivities!! With the new year 2011 drawing near, I am contemplating those changes that I would like to make to myself and my life. I will leave my New Year Resolutions for New Year's Eve though and allow myself more time to become serious and determined about them.

Meanwhile- best wishes to everyone and the safest of Holidays!

It's been awhile . . .

Well being that I am completely and totally restless at 7pm- without any real motivation to accomplish anything productive.... I thought I'd update the blog. Being preoccupied with life and the kids at school makes time pass so quickly. At the moment I'm fighting a cold/flu or something! I've been attempting to fight it off now for three weeks. It finally caught up. I've been pretty miserable for about 5 days now (the worst being over the weekend during my "free" time, naturally). Besides the long, sleepless nights -I've been toughing it out fairly well.

I've immersed myself into the Harry Potter series once again- the motivation being the new movie release which I went to see with Matt and Anna over Thanksgiving Break. There's nothing like a dark, winter night with a cup of coffee/tea/wine, a blanket, puppy cuddles, and a good book. I've been enjoying it thoroughly! Not that I can say the same for Kevin who swears I'm ignoring him as of late! ;)

Radar, our newest edition, has grown quite large as well. He's currently a little over 70 lbs and will be seven months on Tuesday, December 7th. We've finished two sessions of Puppy School and will be starting a third in January. There are moments when I feel like I need to devote more time to our training, but for the most part, he is a very laid back, obedient 7 month old. He goes through his normal "play time" periods when I first get home from school whether I want to play or not! He most definitely loves his frisbee and tennis balls! It's quite normal for him to come up to you with both in his mouth (not sure which one he'd rather play with). I look forward to the two weeks that I have off for Christmas so that I can spend more time with him! He can definitely be a "momma's boy" but he loves his daddy and his animal siblings. I am very glad that we decided upon a labrador retriever. Radar's temperament is so loving and he loves companionship. We really could learn from animals.

Radar

Now my blog is caught up on the normal, rather unextraordinary, happenings of my most recent activities...... :-)



Official Start to A School Year . .

Alright  . . . I have to be honest. I LOVE MY JOB! And also, am finding that the beginning of the year is just as EXHAUSTING and challenging as the end of the year!!! Whew! I have a class size that is 12 fewer than I had last year- and it still seems to be about the same amount of (if not more) work. I was prepared for them coming in young. I was prepared for teaching them the routine of the school day. I was not prepared for the small group of boys who are dead set on challenging every level of my management skills. It's such a shame because until I can effectively manage those few, the rest of the class suffers. I've been coming home exhausted. And naturally, my voice went on the seventh day of school. Wouldn't that just be about right?! I'm a little congested today but yesterday and the day before wasn't at all. My throat doesn't even really hurt. It feels strained from trying to overcompensate for the lack of volume to my voice though.

I have discussed my frustrations and concerns with my aide and our Pre-School teacher who I totally respect! It's just interesting to hear how certain students had different behavior patterns in Pre-School than they seem to be showing so far in Kindergarten. The defiance is a huge obstacle. I'm amazed at the rude, totally disrespectful comments that are being made to me, my aide, and the rest of the class. I keep reminding myself that they are just babies coming in. Really most of them just turned five. I do have a handful of 6's too though. I think that my goal for tomorrow is to get through the day and have the kids leaving the room as happily as possible. The goal for next week is to focus more on arts and crafts- and individual evaluations.  There is just no possible way for me to accomplish whole group learning on an outstanding level until I can learn what it takes to get these kids motivated and eager to learn.

Praying with all my heart that I am blessed with the ability to patiently guide these young minds to their fullest potential!

Lion and Sheep

"It is better to be a lion for a day than a sheep all of your life." ~Anon.

It's funny to think about how often we personify animals. The reverse occurs just as often too if you think about it. We use animals to portray characters in books, movies, plays- beastly or not. We use animals to convey feelings, emotions, and the like. Look at how many animals are used in commercials and advertisements as marketing tools. I just find it strangely fascinating tonight for whatever reason. Finding the above quote got me thinking. I often wonder how it is that I cannot seem to put my foot down on certain matters and/or with certain people. How do I obtain the authority needed to make the decisions and choices that bring happiness to me? I know that I have ventured this question through prior blogs, as I am sure I will again, but happiness seems to be an ongoing venture.

Early this morning I read that an acquaintance, someone I had at one time served and chatted with while working at a local restaurant, had committed suicide. I have not seen this individual in over a year and during the time I did see him frequently, I did not create an overly social relationship with him for obvious reasons. I was/is in a relationship and he stated his attraction outwardly. The only reason I mention this is because the shock experienced in hearing the news was in part due to this. I know that many people go through life knowing this or that person is/was attracted to them. I'm not one who has ever been aware of this. My mom and sister used to joke with me about it all of the time. A fitting recall story for the moment would be the guy and his crashed boxes as I walked unwittingly by. I don't have a clue. You have to be blatantly obvious for me to get it- I never was able to acknowledge it. That goes with coworkers' respect and admiration as well. I don't just assume it's there and can't pick up on it unless it is stated.  He was obvious about it, and it made me feel good. Simply, humanly put it made me feel good to think he would outwardly state his attraction without regard of others thoughts or opinions. It saddens me to think that someone who could put a small layer of confidence on my skin would turn to suicide. Apparently I was no help in adding to his thick skin. I feel as though maybe I stole a layer away. Not that I blame myself. I understand that I don't hold that much power over someone I merely waited on from time to time. I just wonder if I could impact more people better than I do.

I have a "fix-me" complex with others, animal and human. It started out early bringing in the barnyard cats and their many litters. I would dream about finding helpless, abandoned babies to which I would provide homes and comfort. I would date all of the wrong guys- the ones who needed rebuilt. I would attempt to solve family struggles which usually got me in deeper. You know the pattern- it goes on and on. I guess that I always dreamed of making a difference. I always wanted to be remembered as self-less and caring. The selfishness of having a legacy such as the above hits me now. Do I really feel shock because this seemingly fun-loving guy committed suicide? That I can say, I do. There is no selfish reason for me to be saddened at his loss. Shock fits in nicely with me as with many others who are wondering why tonight. I've felt alone. Sometimes I still do when it comes to certain experiences and choices. This isn't the end of it. There was a quote I read which went something like this: life shouldn't be viewed as torment, rather a blessed legacy and gift. That was a paraphrase for sure, but you get the idea. Obviously our dear "man" saw only the harshness and torture of living here on earth. Another friend of mine, upon hearing of this news, stated that those who commit suicide never find peace. I, honest to GOD, hope that her statement is not true. I have no ill-will toward those who reach their end in this way. I feel for their pain. I don't think it's fair to say they will have no peace because of the manner in which they died. (I'm sure many would disagree with me one this!) I want those who suffer here in any way to find the love that we are promised. Otherwise, what good is any of it?! I do feel suicide is a weak act, but God loves the weak. God helps the weak, right?

Suicide, murder, death in any form is not one we take lightly. Some may suffer more than others. Many die unfairly under cruel conditions. Some may fall to their own despair. I wish for us all to have a peaceful life and death. I wish for us all to stand as lions, strong in our beliefs, and act as sheep, nurturing to all and easily guided by the strong.

Super Love from A Super Hero!

Gotta love my boy and his blankie!

Week Two of Puppy Kindergarten begins tomorrow night. I guess we shall see if he's still ahead of his class or if they've caught up to him. He's mastered the sit and shake commands, as well as the lay down. We're still having an unreliable outcome with the recalls (or calling him to "come"). That's to be expected at his age though (he's not even 3 months old yet), especially since I've been practicing on my own and it works better with two or more people. There are moments when I think he's completely potty-trained- and then the accident happens! Oh well, he's young yet and has the basic idea down. He's completely infatuated with the blanket that holds his littermates' and mother's scent. The couple we bought him from was nice enough to provide him with this baby blanket! And, while I know I can't continue to humanize him for many reasons, he is a sweet puppy who is growing fast. Anyways, that's my little bragging moment on my "baby". I'm sure my posts will include more talk of little ones soon as school is about to start back up! After this week I will be busier than normal and soon enough- School Time!

My Heart!

~ 10 weeks old today! ~

Anxious as of Late . . .

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly."

~Buddha

As much as I love having the summer off, I'm finding that since the 4th of July came to an end, I'm beginning to feel anxious about the upcoming school year. Kevin laughs (in a seemingly knowing way) at my over-analyzation and needless worry. What can I say? That's something I have always done and will, more than likely, continue to do. I think I'm too hard on myself and strive too hard for perfection in performance. I wish I could channel that motivation to a more personal, self-improving focus. I don't feel that I acknowledge my well-being, emotional or physical health as of late. I know how great it feels to be centered in mind and body. I have experienced it in the past and gloried in the self-confidence it brings forth. Unfortunately I feel (and I may be far off point here) that I unknowingly self-soothe through loathing myself. Does that make sense? Like self-sabotage because you aren't totally convinced that you deserve the end result you were after? It's not like I do this with everything. I feel that I am very professional, effective, and sincere when it comes to my students. Of course, during the school year I feel as though I have more purpose. I've concluded that's the gist of my summer blues. I don't do well when I'm in idle mode! I went through a similar experience right after I graduated from Walsh. I was without school work or a job for about a month. Ahh. Misery. For Kevin and myself. I went from having nothing to do- to working three jobs!  Purpose. Everyone wants to feel as though they were intended to fulfill some purpose.

I am thankful for Radar this summer and for the future summers we will have together. (I know, corny, right?) He's the tiny being that needs me right now. Maybe not in the same sense as my students or a human baby, but he looks for me and relies on me for survival. I'm thankful for the opportunity to have a dog companion once again. I love the puppy stage he is currently in but am also really looking forward to the grown dog he will be. I can't wait to take him on walks and go together to the dog park. I've always loved animals. Life means the most and is the best when one is surrounded by animals and children. My goal is to RELAX and ENJOY the remainder of my summer- and to put my anxiousness aside. The upcoming year will be a great one!

The New Addition, Radar :)

Radar (Walter O'Reilly)

The newest, sweetest addition!

Born May 7th, 2010

Labrador Retreiver

Faith, Hope, and Love . .

"It's been one of those mornings that's gonna last all day." ~ Miranda Lambert
And maybe one of those years that stretches to its fullest.

God grant us the peace of mind we are looking for. There are moments when "quiet faith" is simply not enough. There are times when one needs to tap a little deeper into purpose, drive, motivation, love, and this life- all the while making it widely known to others. I am searching ways in which to display my faith in a more outwardly way while remaining just as genuine. For some reason I take my faith, my religious beliefs very personally. I shelter them- and isn't that we are taught NOT to do. Lately though, I am finding that because I keep my thoughts so inward, I'm beginning to ignore them myself. I have the luxary of teaching young students the importance of Jesus, God, Mary, Joseph but also, I have the honor of helping their little hearts stay open to the Higher Good, the unexplained, and dearly needed presence in our lives. I think their honest, newly formed opinions stike gold more than any of the other "seasoned" opinions I've heard in the past. I can't even begin to express how much good this has done for me over the past school year. It has been reminiscent of my elementary school days as well as fulfilling in the "teacher-minded" part of me.  I value the Catholic school education that is still hanging on in our society. This past year, my very FIRST year of teaching, will forever be a memory and be a HUGE part of my past. It makes me emotional because it's such a humbling feeling. I don't know that I even know quite how to explain it really.

I guess that overall, I feel so lucky and blessed in life, regardless of the hardships that come along like speed bumps temporarily slowing you/me/us down. I'm putting my future, my success, my well-being into God's hands as of right now. "Circle of Protection" as I've learned to reference it as. Not everything is within my control. Faith that God is guiding us. Hope that it doesn't destroy. Love that makes it worthwhile.

Every little thing . . .

. . . adds up.
. . . counts.
. . . makes a difference.
. . . drives me crazy.

Whichever one fits the moment- or maybe more than one or all fit at the moment. It's hard to be sure. I wish I could fully express certain feelings but unfortunately, the time and place isn't always appropriate.

Attempting to Be Gracious, Even if it KILLS ME!

Well with the addition of a TEMPORARY house guest, I am doing my best to adapt and make open my home. It is sooo hard though when you have a routine that is comfortable and familiar. Now I have to adjust even the simplest of things because of an extra in the house- things like dinner preparation, timing of that preparation, additional groceries, and now laundry???!!! I am not at all thrilled about any of it, especially the laundry. I don't care to do laundry in the first place, for myself or Kevin. I'm constantly amazed at how much laundry he can create for one person in a week. (He swears he only wears one changing of clothes a day! But forgets that he wears like four and five layers right now because of the weather!!!) But to have this person ask me to do his laundry . . I don't know...I really don't. One second I feel like I'm being a horrible person. I mean, why can't I sympathize and be a genuinely concerned friend? Why can't I be more open and gracious about my things and my home? I don't feel like I'm being a good person at all and then I think that- wait, I deserve some happiness and comfort too, right? Why should I keep taking on more? I don't need any extras in my day or schedule that's for sure! AAHH, I don't know what's right anymore. I honestly don't. Sometimes I wish it were just me in my own little world. I wouldn't have to worry about anyone else's laundry, dinner, feelings, attitudes . . . the list goes on......