Lion and Sheep

"It is better to be a lion for a day than a sheep all of your life." ~Anon.

It's funny to think about how often we personify animals. The reverse occurs just as often too if you think about it. We use animals to portray characters in books, movies, plays- beastly or not. We use animals to convey feelings, emotions, and the like. Look at how many animals are used in commercials and advertisements as marketing tools. I just find it strangely fascinating tonight for whatever reason. Finding the above quote got me thinking. I often wonder how it is that I cannot seem to put my foot down on certain matters and/or with certain people. How do I obtain the authority needed to make the decisions and choices that bring happiness to me? I know that I have ventured this question through prior blogs, as I am sure I will again, but happiness seems to be an ongoing venture.

Early this morning I read that an acquaintance, someone I had at one time served and chatted with while working at a local restaurant, had committed suicide. I have not seen this individual in over a year and during the time I did see him frequently, I did not create an overly social relationship with him for obvious reasons. I was/is in a relationship and he stated his attraction outwardly. The only reason I mention this is because the shock experienced in hearing the news was in part due to this. I know that many people go through life knowing this or that person is/was attracted to them. I'm not one who has ever been aware of this. My mom and sister used to joke with me about it all of the time. A fitting recall story for the moment would be the guy and his crashed boxes as I walked unwittingly by. I don't have a clue. You have to be blatantly obvious for me to get it- I never was able to acknowledge it. That goes with coworkers' respect and admiration as well. I don't just assume it's there and can't pick up on it unless it is stated.  He was obvious about it, and it made me feel good. Simply, humanly put it made me feel good to think he would outwardly state his attraction without regard of others thoughts or opinions. It saddens me to think that someone who could put a small layer of confidence on my skin would turn to suicide. Apparently I was no help in adding to his thick skin. I feel as though maybe I stole a layer away. Not that I blame myself. I understand that I don't hold that much power over someone I merely waited on from time to time. I just wonder if I could impact more people better than I do.

I have a "fix-me" complex with others, animal and human. It started out early bringing in the barnyard cats and their many litters. I would dream about finding helpless, abandoned babies to which I would provide homes and comfort. I would date all of the wrong guys- the ones who needed rebuilt. I would attempt to solve family struggles which usually got me in deeper. You know the pattern- it goes on and on. I guess that I always dreamed of making a difference. I always wanted to be remembered as self-less and caring. The selfishness of having a legacy such as the above hits me now. Do I really feel shock because this seemingly fun-loving guy committed suicide? That I can say, I do. There is no selfish reason for me to be saddened at his loss. Shock fits in nicely with me as with many others who are wondering why tonight. I've felt alone. Sometimes I still do when it comes to certain experiences and choices. This isn't the end of it. There was a quote I read which went something like this: life shouldn't be viewed as torment, rather a blessed legacy and gift. That was a paraphrase for sure, but you get the idea. Obviously our dear "man" saw only the harshness and torture of living here on earth. Another friend of mine, upon hearing of this news, stated that those who commit suicide never find peace. I, honest to GOD, hope that her statement is not true. I have no ill-will toward those who reach their end in this way. I feel for their pain. I don't think it's fair to say they will have no peace because of the manner in which they died. (I'm sure many would disagree with me one this!) I want those who suffer here in any way to find the love that we are promised. Otherwise, what good is any of it?! I do feel suicide is a weak act, but God loves the weak. God helps the weak, right?

Suicide, murder, death in any form is not one we take lightly. Some may suffer more than others. Many die unfairly under cruel conditions. Some may fall to their own despair. I wish for us all to have a peaceful life and death. I wish for us all to stand as lions, strong in our beliefs, and act as sheep, nurturing to all and easily guided by the strong.

Every little thing . . .

. . . adds up.
. . . counts.
. . . makes a difference.
. . . drives me crazy.

Whichever one fits the moment- or maybe more than one or all fit at the moment. It's hard to be sure. I wish I could fully express certain feelings but unfortunately, the time and place isn't always appropriate.

Attempting to Be Gracious, Even if it KILLS ME!

Well with the addition of a TEMPORARY house guest, I am doing my best to adapt and make open my home. It is sooo hard though when you have a routine that is comfortable and familiar. Now I have to adjust even the simplest of things because of an extra in the house- things like dinner preparation, timing of that preparation, additional groceries, and now laundry???!!! I am not at all thrilled about any of it, especially the laundry. I don't care to do laundry in the first place, for myself or Kevin. I'm constantly amazed at how much laundry he can create for one person in a week. (He swears he only wears one changing of clothes a day! But forgets that he wears like four and five layers right now because of the weather!!!) But to have this person ask me to do his laundry . . I don't know...I really don't. One second I feel like I'm being a horrible person. I mean, why can't I sympathize and be a genuinely concerned friend? Why can't I be more open and gracious about my things and my home? I don't feel like I'm being a good person at all and then I think that- wait, I deserve some happiness and comfort too, right? Why should I keep taking on more? I don't need any extras in my day or schedule that's for sure! AAHH, I don't know what's right anymore. I honestly don't. Sometimes I wish it were just me in my own little world. I wouldn't have to worry about anyone else's laundry, dinner, feelings, attitudes . . . the list goes on......

Personal Thoughts on the Existence of Facebook

"I think that the creation of technology, and Facebook specifically, has opened up wonderful means of communication but also created the potential for people to express their "right to free speech" without realizing how class-less it makes them appear."

Defensive and Offensive Ignorance

The other day I encountered a situation in which a Facebook "friend" posted a comment that I felt inappropriately mentioned school names in a context that was far from positive. This particular post was centered on the topic of bullying. I couldn't understand why the topic of bullying required an actual school setting. The worst of it was that this "friend" was sharing this story which he had heard from a person of authority dealing with the situation. Talk about crossing lines of privacy! The schools hadn't even been notified yet of the issue and he was putting shared information up publically! Usually when it comes to this person's posts, I mutter something to Kevin or vent about it to someone but don't actually comment my feelings. You'd understand better if you heard all of the stories, but I'd digress way too far off topic to attempt that one! Anyways, this time I had personal vested interest in the matter and therefore, I posted my thoughts! I was simply tired of this busy-body posting personal things about others' lives in order to feel important and apart of anything! I didn't say it meanly though. I just said that this wasn't a public matter. Whew- let me tell you! That opened a bag of worms! This other "friend" of his (who I don't know) totally went crazy with her own feelings and was extremely defensive. I thought everyone knew that people can lose jobs and get into serious trouble for what is posted online, such as on Facebook!!!! What is so hard to understand about it? This person could have easily (and almost did) get his friend fired for posting inside knowledge!

And then just recently, I encountered another instance where someone else posted a response to a photo on Facebook about me. The funny thing is- I wasn't even in the picture! Let's just say that the comment was far from complimentary- and very unnecessary! And as far as I'm concerned, unprovoked. Now I don't claim to be a perfect person. I never have. But I can never recall a time where I have ever slandered someone on a public forum in the manner as I have been. Especially since this person is neither a personal friend or someone I see very often. Simply a young, twenty-something female who has a poor attitude and is used to running the show in her daily life. She's one of those people who goes through cycles with who she's going to have an issue with. She knows she's nasty and full of bad attitude. The problem is she knows and thinks that it is flattering. Not quite sure about that but hey, it apparently works for her. It doesn't work for me though. I'm not okay with being talked about so disrespectfully, especially since I hadn't done anything to create the animosity. And I honestly would say if I had done something to contribute to the situation. I always own up to my faults- it's the only way to make things better in the future. The only remark I can make on this one is that she's one of those people who you think so little of and who never crosses your mind- that it's not worth taking offense to.

I guess there are certain people in my life who just aren't used to me commanding respect or speaking up instead of being the silent back drop. How does one make this transition though? No one is taking it well. I'm not out to be a total, call-it-like-it-is *itch. That's not me. I simply am tired of being treated disrespectfully. I've been told that in order to get what you are after, you have to say something. You have to command that it happen. Any suggestions?

Lost in Loss

I'm missing Alison so much today. I get like this now and then. I get so angry about it that it can be so emotionally consuming. There are no words to express how her life and being touched people. She was one in a million. I hope that she looks down smiling and is proud of who I am. I don't quite get why everyone who has meant something in my life, as well as my siblings and family, have passed. I know that it's not healthy to be so angry about it from time to time, but I can't help but feel that way. I am trying to understand- I know that life is not, and never will be, fair. I know that life is what you make of it. Obviously, after so many losses in my life, I am well aware that life in itself is short. I need to remember this more. I need to relax more. I need to open up and figure out what the heck I want out of being here. Teaching has added a huge new dimension to my life. It really has opened up my heart more. But, I still feel like I'm just not making the most out of myself or my time. I'm feeling meloncholy lately. I know that doesn't help matters.

The Life . . . As We Know It!

Lucky Dog~!

I couldn't help but share the silly ways in which our dog chooses to relax! Wouldn't it be grand to lay around all day??! Oh well, I guess that I can't say much at the moment seeing as I have been behaving much in the same way this past week! Christmas break is a wonderful thing! I have been doing some thinking about New Year's as well....... I feel that I should make more of an effort to create and follow through with resolutions this year. I have much more to be grateful for and a different reference point as my foundation for the year.

I guess, really, I am as lucky as our Bud-man! I am very fortunate to be working within a Catholic school as well. I didn't realize how settled my beliefs had become, in positive and negative ways. It's so easy to become unaware of the small miracles, the simple blessings . . . I hope that I will never again become so unappreciative of the great things in life that show themselves in the simplest of forms! I've never been one to preach to others about their faith (or lack thereof), so in some ways I find it difficult to "teach" this topic to my students. I love watching and listening to them as they express themselves about God though. This motivates and encourages me to continue on and helps direct me in the ways in which I discuss our faith with them! There's nothing more humbling than the young, innocent hearts and minds of children! One morning one of my girls told me that she had been visited by an angel in her sleep the night before! I asked her what the angel said to her and she responded, "Don't be afraid!" . . . I couldn't help but smile. It made me feel good that she obviously put her whole heart into our discussions! I honestly feel that's what public schools are missing! I love the fact that I can share that with my students! During every school mass, I pray with my whole heart to be provided with the guidance that I need in order to aid my students in their educational and spiritual growth! Here's to a great 2010! I love that I have another week off, but I can also honestly say that I miss my 27 energetic kindergarters! Who would've thought??!!

And there goes another year . . . GLADLY!

I have to say that thinking over this past year, 26 is going to be far better than 25. WOW was 25 hard for me! As I recall back some of the text that I had read in 20 something, 20 everything written by Christine Hassler, the twenties are a HUGE transition stage in one's life. I most definitely suggest this book to anyone in their twenties, no matter how confident or content you feel you may be at the moment. I don't know anyone who couldn't use a little confidence boost from time to time. In fact, I bought both of my sisters copies of this book for them to read. Like the nerd I am, I highlighted and took notes in the margins of this text! It really has helped me numerous times through the last couple of years. There is just so much pressure on females within this age group to be successful and multi-faceted! I know that I am more relaxed in saying all of this because I feel as though I have FINALLY and ACTUALLY accomplished a personal goal as of recently! I do know though that there are going to be moments in my future regarding my career and personal life where I feel unsettled. Here's to hoping that I have some time before I begin to feel disappointed in my growth and achievement of other goals!!! Meanwhile, I am excited to begin a new chapter and am actually very ready for the holidays, as well as the following new year! 2010!

Finally . . . some Relaxation

~Relaxing~

While I have yet to plan a get-away retreat for myself, I did have a great weekend filled with quality time with Kevin. We spent two nights at a near-by campsite, just the two of us and Buddy. We had initially invited a few friends and their kids but, trust me, I was not the least bit disappointed when they cancelled. We had no one to entertain, no one to cook for but us, no obligations of any sort. We played cards (Gulf!), went for a long walk, cooked steaks on the grill, had a nice little bonfire, and sat observing our crazy camping neighbors!

Feelin' Beyond Blah

I keep trying to remind myself that my mood is merely dependant upon how I decide to make it. In saying that though, there are outside factors that make it extremely difficult for me to maintain a decent state of mind without certain factors changing or improving. I guess that I may just be disappointed in the slow movement of my career path and in the fact that I am not making as much money as I was before our company took an "economic hit". It is tough to maintain a decent standard of living right now, and I often wonder how others manage it. In many ways I am lucky when it comes to the financial aspect of things but in others, not so much. My student loans weigh heavy on me and while I know that I am NOT the only one who has such a large amount of student loans, it still provides a grim outlook on the next 10-year plan of my future. Things such as this are evaluated on a very personal level. Sure there may be others who can empathize but really it doesn't make it any more/less easy for me to cope with the facts. Oh well, everything has a time and place . . .