End of the year fReNzY.....

Another school year has almost passed.... five more days with my second group of kiddos.
It's a weird feeling really. I'm more relaxed about certain things already- just knowing some of the routine and end-of-the-year requirements helps a lot!

This group has taught me just as much as my first group.
I'm still continually working on daily patience, empathy, and compassion.
Each student tests you as a teacher and care giver in different ways.
I've learned to attempt at giving something each day in some way- whether it be a patient word or complimentary thought. My students want my approval so badly. Remembering this reminds me just how important it is to take deep breaths and evaluate my own performance.
I've found that with this group the most frustrating time is in the morning. This is because they are soooo eager to share their experiences and nightly routines that it makes it hard to complete the morning housekeeping tasks that need to be done. I don't remember last year's group being so overwhelming first thing in the morning. I'll be curious to see how next year's group is in this regard. It's quite possible that I simply did not notice it last year for whatever reason.

One thought I've had at this point in the school year and my particular life occurences.....
I'm where I'm meant to be. I'm doing what I was designed to do.
I'm happy with my work.... I'm happy with my life.

I pray to God every day to keep my life as blessed as it is at the moment... to keep me within His circle of protection and guide me to make the best possible choices for my life plan. Afterall, He brought me here.

Updates . . . and Such

Well the CT scan results have been back for two weeks now. They show a dense mass above the orginal incision area. The mass itself could be nothing or it could be cancer. Unfortunately, this whole process is already frustrating me. I am a master procrastinator and don't want to deal with this! I did make an appointment with the podiatrist that my family doctor recommended but was so annoyed with him and his remarks that it just frustrated me further. He was more than a bit arrogant (in my opinion), and I wasn't overjoyed with his thoughts (although they would be ideal in this particular situation). I just don't feel as though I have the strength at the moment to continue in the process. I know that sounds utterly stupid to others but that is where I am at right now. I did make an appointment with an additional podiatrist for late April. I will make sure that I have the actual CT with me to show him, and I will also inform him that the original tissue removed was cancerous. Hopefully he takes me more seriously. I don't want to jump to conclusions but things such as this need to be treated to the fullest. Apparently the scar tissue is immense- and that in itself is probably contributing to the pain that I have. Overall, I am hoping for all of this to be handled when school is out for the summer. I am hoping that these last few months of the school year go smoothly and that this summer holds everything we are striving for.

Sometimes I feel embarassed that this blog could potentially be read. The title itself shares the mundane nature my blog must take on. I mean this is the everyday in my world. It doesn't matter whether or not someone actually reads my words- but it is nice to write it out- express oneself- purge those thoughts and attempt to make sense of them.

I'm not so sure the purpose we take on sometimes- and I know I'm not the only one who has ever wondered that. It's common for us to question, doubt, become frustrated, want out..... Everyone deals with those feelings in their own way. Some push away others and become isolated- some attach themselves to people who appear strong and confident in their purpose. I wish I had more of an answer. I wish that people weren't so quick to judge and condemn. I had a religion class tonight that I am taking in order to keep my religion teaching license up to date. The particular course is the Theology of the Body-appropriate viewpoints of Catholic Sexuality, Celibacy, Communion to the Church in the "Marriage to the Lamb". Tonight's class frustrated me. I found the key points redundant..... and at times slightly far reaching. I don't know- I probably shouldn't even be questioning it (or mentioning it for that matter), but religion and one's spirituality is so personal. PERSONAL. And yet should be evident and vocalized at the same time. Who has mastered that fully? (Besides Christ.) Not me- as much as I try, not me.
Not me.

Nothing but a Memory.....

Thinking of those in my life who we lost to cancer . . . .

Tomorrow I have a CT scan scheduled in order to take a closer look into my foot and determine whether or not the cancer came back. It's been two years since the cancerous spot was removed so I'm hoping that I am clear yet. I'm supposed to have it looked at every year and probably would have put it off longer yet if it hadn't been bothering me so much lately. My family doctor reassured me though that more than likely it is just nerve damage. As painful as that is- and the corresponding surgery that it may still entail- I'd still rather deal with that than the thought of cancer again. I guess I really should respect myself more- take better care of myself- make "good choices" as I tell my kids.

What's it going to take to get myself back on track? You'd think that the outside motivators would be strong enough and yet, nothing. I know that I let myself get too stressed yet about things I can't control. Am I always going to have that bad habit? Maybe as life continues and I season myself into this part of my life, I will lighten up a bit. I realized this week though that I am extremely hard on myself. I can't please everyone all of the time---- and besides, how does it go? --- just work to please yourself? hhhmmm... not so sure I even know how to do that. Not that I don't have an enjoyable life- I don't mean that at all. I mean it in regards to decisions I make, etc.  And I wish things were slightly easier for me than they are. I know that seems selfish when there are others out there struggling and barely making it. It's just that if you look at me and my life, it's so wrapped up in working and making sure loose ends are tied up, others are happy, class hours are being kept..... I work 6 days a week and out of those days I currently have class two nights and tutor an additional two nights in the week. I'm not saying that to complain- I'm saying it because if anyone were to outline what my daily life consists of, if they to look at what I am attempting to accomplish- what would they think? Do people realize that I'm trying my best? That I'm attempting to make life easier for those in my life? I guess I just need to tell myself now and again that I'm not a bad person and I deserve good things. Right? Why is it that I have to consciously remind myself? Shouldn't I just know that? Or is that the way it is for most people?

Oh well, I've been in a different state of mind lately and it always leads to thinking outside of the box and ultimately centering myself again. It just takes a couple of days to get there. Good old country music and some alone time does the trick every time.

In honor of my 5-year-olds:
"Dear Jesus be with me as I attempt to make good choices and do my very best everyday. Thank you for the time to sleep and the time to wake. Please watch over me each new day. Amen"

Update . . . for personal encouragement

While my New Year's Resolution may not be all that thrilling to most people, nor my progress towards accomplishing it, but I feel that putting my progress in print may help me keep up the motivation needed to fully become healthier. One aspect of my resolution was to- yes, lose weight. And in about 17 days time I have managed to lose a solid 6 pounds. The weight tends to fluctuate between 6 and 7 but it seems to be sitting consistently at the 6 mark. This was done solely by counting calories and watching how much and what I am eating. I've started working out a bit with my new Wii- using the Just Dance game as a way to get moving. I've been feeling pretty good while doing this too. Just tonight I purchased the Zumba game and hope that this will help me as well. With the addition of aerobic movement into my routine, I hope to get past that solid 6 and move onto my goal weight.

It does get hard sometimes though... I know that seeing larger weight loss takes time and it can be frustrating. I'm trying so hard not to succomb to food when I'm stressed, emotional, or depressed. I don't know when exactly I began doing that- but I have been an emotional eater as of the last few years. I know that once I get myself in shape- the rush of working out and eating right will kick in as it always does. It's just tough getting past this "craving" period of junk and pushing past the sedentary habits I have created.

I have dieted and failed in the past. I have told myself I was going to undergo a "lifestyle change" and have failed in the past. This time I'm not really going to title it as anything- this time I am attempting to work on my self-control. I'm attempting to see how I really view myself- how strong I really think I am. I haven't been exhibiting self-worth as of late and it's time to change that.

New Year's Resolution 2011

(Two weeks of vacation with Kevin home as well. It's days and weeks like this that I realize how lucky I am to have the support that I have in my life.) In preparation for the writing of this resolution, I became thoroughly and instantly depressed. How can one really write a resolution about making changes if he/she doesn't acknowledge the existing circumstances that one desires to change. I will make my resolutions short and simple as I am still having a difficult time acknowledging the fact that I have let both issues get to the point that they have.

There are two main things in my life that I would like to work on changing:

1) My Weight- which is a repetitive resolution that I always say will occur that particular year.

This year though I have to master my weight issues. I have spiraled into a situation in which I don't acknowledge what I am eating or how much weight I have managed to put on. But I in order to conquer an issue, one must know what the issue is. I put on 8 pounds this year. What's my excuse this year? No foot surgery- that was in 2009. No office job where I'm sitting all day- that was 2008 and 2009. Without a walking partner?- Now I've got the puppy who requires regular excerise.  Just plan BAD HABITS and acquired LAZINESS! I have no excuses. I have purchased a Wii gaming system, Kevin has promised to help decrease the amount of junk food in the house, and I have promised to join Anna in Weight Watchers. Whether or not I allow these tools to assist me is completely up to how I integrate them into my new daily life. So here's to 2011's weight loss and upcoming June nuptials!



2) Over-Reacting Emotionally- which is a new acknowledgement on my part.

I have realized very recently that I am happy. Isn't that a funny thought to have. If it's true as I believe it to be- then I need to begin acting like it. I need to stop over-reacting to comments and situations. I didn't fully see my outbursts as they are. Ashamed and embarassed would be two adjectives I would use to describe myself in response to that realization.

 Do you know what finally triggered me into "getting it"? Radar. It seems silly I realize, but I care so much for my animals (and especially of the newest edition who has "needed" me from day one) that I don't want to disrupt or create disbalance in their emotional well-being. Radar is such a loving, sensitive, emotional, sweet character that he quite obviously displays his family's moods in his own actions and personality. If I am agitated- so is he. If I am frustrated- he sure lets me know that frustration can be overwhelming. It breaks my heart to think that I can have a negative impact on any being (human or animal). He's brought back in me that soft, quiet sensibility. That presence that goes with the flow and doesn't over-react. That being that takes "bad" circumstances and softly corrects them into "good" experiences.

"Softly" My new word for my actions this year will be "softly". React softly. Think things through softly. Soft doesn't have to be viewed in a negative light. I thought that it did. I thought I was too soft. I thought that I should be harder. I thought that I should be tougher. I thought that I had to be more outspoken. I was incorrect. I realize it now, after it has become quite a habit to react poorly- to react harshly in the instant. I want to acknowledge this now. I want to face this head on. I want to change this back. There are some things that we don't need to change. Gentle, soft, relaxed, sensitive. That's how I want to be remembered. I don't want to have to be tough, not in the sense of attitude and reaction.

Approach softly. Love fully. React patiently.

Christmas 2010

Merry Christmas!

It's Radar's first Christmas! :-) Not that he, as Kevin reminds me, knows the difference between today and any other day! Oh well, the holidays and the snow are still new experiences for him and it's kind of fun to see how much he loves to play in the snow!

It's hard to believe that 2010 is coming to an end. It's amazing how fast life flies by... before you know it I'll be preparing for my next group of kids and their Christmas festivities!! With the new year 2011 drawing near, I am contemplating those changes that I would like to make to myself and my life. I will leave my New Year Resolutions for New Year's Eve though and allow myself more time to become serious and determined about them.

Meanwhile- best wishes to everyone and the safest of Holidays!

It's been awhile . . .

Well being that I am completely and totally restless at 7pm- without any real motivation to accomplish anything productive.... I thought I'd update the blog. Being preoccupied with life and the kids at school makes time pass so quickly. At the moment I'm fighting a cold/flu or something! I've been attempting to fight it off now for three weeks. It finally caught up. I've been pretty miserable for about 5 days now (the worst being over the weekend during my "free" time, naturally). Besides the long, sleepless nights -I've been toughing it out fairly well.

I've immersed myself into the Harry Potter series once again- the motivation being the new movie release which I went to see with Matt and Anna over Thanksgiving Break. There's nothing like a dark, winter night with a cup of coffee/tea/wine, a blanket, puppy cuddles, and a good book. I've been enjoying it thoroughly! Not that I can say the same for Kevin who swears I'm ignoring him as of late! ;)

Radar, our newest edition, has grown quite large as well. He's currently a little over 70 lbs and will be seven months on Tuesday, December 7th. We've finished two sessions of Puppy School and will be starting a third in January. There are moments when I feel like I need to devote more time to our training, but for the most part, he is a very laid back, obedient 7 month old. He goes through his normal "play time" periods when I first get home from school whether I want to play or not! He most definitely loves his frisbee and tennis balls! It's quite normal for him to come up to you with both in his mouth (not sure which one he'd rather play with). I look forward to the two weeks that I have off for Christmas so that I can spend more time with him! He can definitely be a "momma's boy" but he loves his daddy and his animal siblings. I am very glad that we decided upon a labrador retriever. Radar's temperament is so loving and he loves companionship. We really could learn from animals.

Radar

Now my blog is caught up on the normal, rather unextraordinary, happenings of my most recent activities...... :-)